I follow this girl's blog for one reason and one reason only; she can put into words the thoughts and emotions I have but cannot seem to formulate words for myself. Today she did just that.
"But maybe God can be clung to, and so I'm clinging on like Jacob, wrestling intensely at times and holding out for a blessing."-Mandy Steward
Sometimes that is simply all you can do. And when I wrote this post last week, that was exactly the thought I was trying to get across, but I said it so many more words. That was really all I wanted to say though.
All I wanted to say was that maybe your best for God is just clinging on. Ever day I am just clinging on to the ever awareness that He is there and He is listening. Some days are easier than others. Most days it feels like a wrestling match. But I refuse to let go, well because letting go means far worse than clinging and wrestling. For letting go can mean losing the very hope that keeps me going everyday. Hope that gives me faith because in Mandy's words "maybe faith is simply hoping and not knowing." Not knowing that everything is going to work out but hoping and holding out for the blessing. For in all things God works it to the good of those who love Him. Who love him and cling to him and wrestle with him and have faith in him.
This is me clinging...
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Serious Satisfaction
This weekend I realized two very important things.
1. Pushing yourself to achieve goals can provide enormous satisfaction.
2. A support network can be critical to those goals.
Saturday I ran 8 miles. That is the most I have ever run...EVER! I mean in one journey of course. I ran 8 miles with an average pace of about 11:50 and finished in 1 hour and 33 minutes. Now let me tell you why this run made me realize my two points above.
I used to think about running. I thought about it a lot in fact. I thought how cool it would be to run 13.1 miles and I thought I would never run 26.2 miles so I tried not to think about how cool that would be. I often thought about these things, but never imagined actually doing it. At the beginning of January I started fully training for my half-marathon. 2 miles? 2 miles was hard! I mean...like unfathomable! I could walk it and that was if I got my head in the game, but to actually run it and do it in less than 13 minutes a mile was pretty much off the radar. Well I continued to push myself.
This month was intimidating because I knew I was going to be making some big mileage jumps. Not only was I going to be running more, but it was February in Oklahoma. Since I wouldn't have a gym to run at to avoid the cold weather, I would have to face it. Truth be told I despise running on a treadmill so there is a rose amongst the thorns, but I was terrified. It was three weeks ago from yesterday that I faced my fear. I ran 5 miles in 35 degrees. And I felt great! After that I just knew I could do anything. It has really been my fuel for the fire. Since then my average pace has already gone down by a whole minute on most runs. I am no longer scared of my half-marathon. In fact I am totally pumped and can't wait to begin training for my full marathon. Pushing myself and seeing what my body and internal strength is capable of has been rewarding.
Back to Saturday. I ran those 8 miles with two very close friends; Pat and Kali Bell. This couple is awesome! Can I just say that again? This couple is awesome! They have been running a whole lot longer than me. They ran their first half marathon in November and will run their first full marathon this weekend in Little Rock! They needed a short and slow run to do this last weekend so they nominated me to be their pace keeper!! I'm kidding, but seriously I was so nervous to run with them because they are basically pros in my eyes.
I kept putting off actually confirming to run with them because I was trying to convince myself I couldn't. I told myself every excuse in the book; "I will slow them down", "I won't be able to finish", "I will breathe hard". You name it, I thought it. I told Kali my fears and she approached it with so much grace. She said, "hey, we would love to run with you but no pressure." I guess the no pressure thing worked because I ended up saying yes. I am so glad I did! They were so supportive the entire run. Kali kept randomly cheering through out the run. Pat reminded me over and over that this was the longest I had ever run after the 6 mile mark. And they both high fived me at the end. This couple is awesome!
I am beyond happy with the progress I have made in my running and the friends that God has sent me as support along the way. I am now completely confident in the fact that I could run 26.2 miles and I think about it too!
1. Set a goal that will push you to a place you never thought you could go.
2. Find a friend that will support you and your goal.
1. Pushing yourself to achieve goals can provide enormous satisfaction.
2. A support network can be critical to those goals.
Saturday I ran 8 miles. That is the most I have ever run...EVER! I mean in one journey of course. I ran 8 miles with an average pace of about 11:50 and finished in 1 hour and 33 minutes. Now let me tell you why this run made me realize my two points above.
I used to think about running. I thought about it a lot in fact. I thought how cool it would be to run 13.1 miles and I thought I would never run 26.2 miles so I tried not to think about how cool that would be. I often thought about these things, but never imagined actually doing it. At the beginning of January I started fully training for my half-marathon. 2 miles? 2 miles was hard! I mean...like unfathomable! I could walk it and that was if I got my head in the game, but to actually run it and do it in less than 13 minutes a mile was pretty much off the radar. Well I continued to push myself.
This month was intimidating because I knew I was going to be making some big mileage jumps. Not only was I going to be running more, but it was February in Oklahoma. Since I wouldn't have a gym to run at to avoid the cold weather, I would have to face it. Truth be told I despise running on a treadmill so there is a rose amongst the thorns, but I was terrified. It was three weeks ago from yesterday that I faced my fear. I ran 5 miles in 35 degrees. And I felt great! After that I just knew I could do anything. It has really been my fuel for the fire. Since then my average pace has already gone down by a whole minute on most runs. I am no longer scared of my half-marathon. In fact I am totally pumped and can't wait to begin training for my full marathon. Pushing myself and seeing what my body and internal strength is capable of has been rewarding.
Back to Saturday. I ran those 8 miles with two very close friends; Pat and Kali Bell. This couple is awesome! Can I just say that again? This couple is awesome! They have been running a whole lot longer than me. They ran their first half marathon in November and will run their first full marathon this weekend in Little Rock! They needed a short and slow run to do this last weekend so they nominated me to be their pace keeper!! I'm kidding, but seriously I was so nervous to run with them because they are basically pros in my eyes.
I kept putting off actually confirming to run with them because I was trying to convince myself I couldn't. I told myself every excuse in the book; "I will slow them down", "I won't be able to finish", "I will breathe hard". You name it, I thought it. I told Kali my fears and she approached it with so much grace. She said, "hey, we would love to run with you but no pressure." I guess the no pressure thing worked because I ended up saying yes. I am so glad I did! They were so supportive the entire run. Kali kept randomly cheering through out the run. Pat reminded me over and over that this was the longest I had ever run after the 6 mile mark. And they both high fived me at the end. This couple is awesome!
I am beyond happy with the progress I have made in my running and the friends that God has sent me as support along the way. I am now completely confident in the fact that I could run 26.2 miles and I think about it too!
1. Set a goal that will push you to a place you never thought you could go.
2. Find a friend that will support you and your goal.
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Diligent Shall Prosper
At the beginning of this year Zeb and I were very excited because we both had great jobs in our field and had big goals for the year. One of these goals was to pay off $25,000 of our debt. It seemed like a lot when we set the goal, but we are dying to get debt free and so we committed to it. Can you imagine how much harder that seems now that Zeb is laid off? Impossible.
Luckily we have an awesome God on our side. He knows the desires of our hearts and he wants to help us get there. I am so happy to announce that today is February 24th, only 55 days into this year, and we have already gotten $8,282 paid!! INCREDIBLE!! Only about a quarter of that is to our credit though. We got really lucky and was able to settle a large part of one of our debts for way less. Basically, that means that God took care of about $5,374 of that total. Regardless, it makes me so happy to know that we can still make huge progress on this while facing adversity. We have 33% of our goal done already. That is something to celebrate!
Every Friday, while at work, I listen to the Dave Ramsey show on the Internet. Truthfully, I listen everyday of the week, but Fridays are especially important. They are debt free Fridays and basically Dave lets people call in or come to the Financial Peace Plaza and scream they are debt free. They tell how much they have paid off, how long it took them, and what were the hardest parts of the journey. I literally get chills during every story and I envy those people calling in. I can't wait to be the one calling...I think we might even drive to Tennessee when that time comes to scream we are debt free in the plaza and sign the wall.
I can't even explain how passionate I am about this. Ever since I drank the Dave Ramsey koolaid I have been on a mission. Zeb and I have focused all of our efforts on saving anywhere we can in order to pay off more debt. We can't wait for the day when we walk on a car lot and buy a new car with CASH! We dream about having a savings with 3 to 6 months worth of expenses in it. We dream about feeling the freedom behind not being a slave to the lender. We don't want to rely on the government to bail us out because we can obviously see where they are headed.
If you have never listened to Dave before or read one of his books, I recommend it. Start with his talk show. It is on every day during the work week between 2 and 5 Eastern time. Simply go to daveramsey.com and listen live. That will give you a small taste of what he is about. Then if you like where he is going with things and you can handle his brutal plan to become financially free, I would jump right into his Financial Peace University class. It is 13 weeks long but will teach you everything you need to know to get on the right track. Finally, if you have the chance, go see him live. He is absolutely hilarious and motivating. The thing about Dave is everything he talks about is from experience. He is literally dug himself out of financial hell and become a millionaire. He went bankrupt twice and realized he was tired of it and changed. Now he is changing lives because of his experience.
I love this quote.
"Prosperity is way of living and thinking, and not just money or things. Poverty is a way of living and thinking, and not just the lack of money or things."-Eric Butterworth
Luckily we have an awesome God on our side. He knows the desires of our hearts and he wants to help us get there. I am so happy to announce that today is February 24th, only 55 days into this year, and we have already gotten $8,282 paid!! INCREDIBLE!! Only about a quarter of that is to our credit though. We got really lucky and was able to settle a large part of one of our debts for way less. Basically, that means that God took care of about $5,374 of that total. Regardless, it makes me so happy to know that we can still make huge progress on this while facing adversity. We have 33% of our goal done already. That is something to celebrate!
Every Friday, while at work, I listen to the Dave Ramsey show on the Internet. Truthfully, I listen everyday of the week, but Fridays are especially important. They are debt free Fridays and basically Dave lets people call in or come to the Financial Peace Plaza and scream they are debt free. They tell how much they have paid off, how long it took them, and what were the hardest parts of the journey. I literally get chills during every story and I envy those people calling in. I can't wait to be the one calling...I think we might even drive to Tennessee when that time comes to scream we are debt free in the plaza and sign the wall.
I can't even explain how passionate I am about this. Ever since I drank the Dave Ramsey koolaid I have been on a mission. Zeb and I have focused all of our efforts on saving anywhere we can in order to pay off more debt. We can't wait for the day when we walk on a car lot and buy a new car with CASH! We dream about having a savings with 3 to 6 months worth of expenses in it. We dream about feeling the freedom behind not being a slave to the lender. We don't want to rely on the government to bail us out because we can obviously see where they are headed.
If you have never listened to Dave before or read one of his books, I recommend it. Start with his talk show. It is on every day during the work week between 2 and 5 Eastern time. Simply go to daveramsey.com and listen live. That will give you a small taste of what he is about. Then if you like where he is going with things and you can handle his brutal plan to become financially free, I would jump right into his Financial Peace University class. It is 13 weeks long but will teach you everything you need to know to get on the right track. Finally, if you have the chance, go see him live. He is absolutely hilarious and motivating. The thing about Dave is everything he talks about is from experience. He is literally dug himself out of financial hell and become a millionaire. He went bankrupt twice and realized he was tired of it and changed. Now he is changing lives because of his experience.
I love this quote.
"Prosperity is way of living and thinking, and not just money or things. Poverty is a way of living and thinking, and not just the lack of money or things."-Eric Butterworth
Monday, February 20, 2012
To Be Still
I feel as though I am in a weird wrestling match with God right now. I don't know much about wrestling, but I am pretty sure there is more than one round and you just keep going at each other until one pins the other. Well we must still be in round one because I don't feel as though I have been pinned or that I have pinned, I just know that we keep going at each other. I also know that I am frustrated by this wrestling match because I can't seem to find a good move in order to accomplish anything and I haven't felt much on His end either. I don't want to win and I don't want to say I got you figured out, I just want one good move.
I am frustrated. I have gone round and round these last few weeks trying to figure out how to get where I know I have been before. I know we have swung in sync before, but right now I just feel like you are three feet ahead or behind right now. I can't even figure that out.
Last night we talked about having things just written on a stone for us so we would know where we were with things or at least what direction to go, but I guess that wouldn't really be faith than would it? We wouldn't have to have faith if it was written on a stone for us to so plainly see. We would just need to read and follow directions. Our problem then might be with ourselves if we didn't follow directions rather than with you not providing those directions.
And yes, I did just say the problem is with you God. I feel like I am trying to find those directions, I am trying to connect, and worship, and love, and not worry, and live a life with purpose and yet I still can't feel the one thing that is supposed to lead all of that. I can't feel you.
Have I lost sight of how to connect with you? Am I focused on the wrong thing? Is my energy in red when you want it in blue? I feel ultra vulnerable right now and that scares me, but I guess that is why we live by faith and not by sight.
My sight is leading this conversation right now because my sight is focusing on the darkness I see ahead. If my faith were in charge I might not feel these frustrations. If my faith were in charge I might focus more on what I don't see rather than what I see. If my faith were in charge I might know that there is always a light that accompanies the darkness and that light always provides a path. I might know that you haven't gone anywhere and maybe the whole idea is not feel you at this moment. I might know that maybe I am trying too hard and right now you just want me to sit still. To be still...and know you are...God.
"I love you, Lord, my strength"-Psalm 18:1
I am frustrated. I have gone round and round these last few weeks trying to figure out how to get where I know I have been before. I know we have swung in sync before, but right now I just feel like you are three feet ahead or behind right now. I can't even figure that out.
Last night we talked about having things just written on a stone for us so we would know where we were with things or at least what direction to go, but I guess that wouldn't really be faith than would it? We wouldn't have to have faith if it was written on a stone for us to so plainly see. We would just need to read and follow directions. Our problem then might be with ourselves if we didn't follow directions rather than with you not providing those directions.
And yes, I did just say the problem is with you God. I feel like I am trying to find those directions, I am trying to connect, and worship, and love, and not worry, and live a life with purpose and yet I still can't feel the one thing that is supposed to lead all of that. I can't feel you.
Have I lost sight of how to connect with you? Am I focused on the wrong thing? Is my energy in red when you want it in blue? I feel ultra vulnerable right now and that scares me, but I guess that is why we live by faith and not by sight.
My sight is leading this conversation right now because my sight is focusing on the darkness I see ahead. If my faith were in charge I might not feel these frustrations. If my faith were in charge I might focus more on what I don't see rather than what I see. If my faith were in charge I might know that there is always a light that accompanies the darkness and that light always provides a path. I might know that you haven't gone anywhere and maybe the whole idea is not feel you at this moment. I might know that maybe I am trying too hard and right now you just want me to sit still. To be still...and know you are...God.
"I love you, Lord, my strength"-Psalm 18:1
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
He's My Hero
If you have talked to me since re-locating to Tulsa you should know that my biggest issue with this city is the crime. My friend laughed at me before because I talked about how Tulsa had bad crime, but it turns out they really do. I have been here for 6 months now and there has been at least one murder a week. It seems like everyday I am waking up to another news story of an armed robbery or assault. I started talking to some people I work with and they say it has gotten worse over the last few years. Cops say it is the economy.
I have tried really hard not to obsess over this. I have tried even harder to focus on the good and not the bad. Unfortunately, both of my jobs are in the thick of all of it. Both of my jobs are in Downtown Tulsa. Both of them require me to walk at least 2 blocks to and from my car and my part time job requires me to do this at the midnight hour. I have found myself running to my car at night, probably bringing more attention to myself, but the sooner I get there the better.
Regardless of my paranoia everywhere I go and constantly not feeling safe, yesterday I let down my gaurd. I was excited to get home since we had company and wasn't really paying that much attention to my surroundings. My car was in the middle of the lot surrounded by three other cars. As I had entered the lot I noticed a guy that didn't look like the normal business man, but didn't think anything of it since he appeared to be leaving the lot. Next thing I know I am in my car getting my phone out of my pocket and turning my music on when I notice in my side view mirror that man approaching my car and reaching for my door. I was panicking because I couldn't go far very fast with cars on all sides of me so I just threw my car in reverse and stepped on the gas. The guy kinda went back all clumsy like and gave me a look like you almost ran over me. I put my car in drive and sped off quickly.
Now he may of been just trying to ask for money or something, but I'm sorry, you don't quietly follow a girl to her car by herself and expect her not to almost run over you! My heart was nearly beating out of my chest. Now I tell you all of this to get to the real point of this post.
It made my heart swell with happiness when I told Zeb this and his number one priority was my safety. I know that seems like it should be a "duh", but come on now. Zeb isn't the most verbal about things and especially not feelings. I know I am important to him and I know he cares about me, but I guess since he doesn't say those things a lot, watching him go into mission mode after this incident made me feel like I have not only a husband, but a hero. He went to two different places last night looking for pepper spray and talking to a guy about the best one. After finding out that the best one was going to require going to a store not very close to where we live, he went first thing this morning and dropped it off to me at work. He told me he got the red one so it is bright and people will see it. His thoughtfulness and priority to provide something to help me be safer was so what I needed.
I may be completely terrified of this city, but watch out man in the parking lot because I am now armed thanks to my sweet, sweet husband. I know I could take care of myself, but there is just something comforting about knowing you have someone on your side that wants to take care of you too.
Thanks for this one God. You really know how to pick'em!
I have tried really hard not to obsess over this. I have tried even harder to focus on the good and not the bad. Unfortunately, both of my jobs are in the thick of all of it. Both of my jobs are in Downtown Tulsa. Both of them require me to walk at least 2 blocks to and from my car and my part time job requires me to do this at the midnight hour. I have found myself running to my car at night, probably bringing more attention to myself, but the sooner I get there the better.
Regardless of my paranoia everywhere I go and constantly not feeling safe, yesterday I let down my gaurd. I was excited to get home since we had company and wasn't really paying that much attention to my surroundings. My car was in the middle of the lot surrounded by three other cars. As I had entered the lot I noticed a guy that didn't look like the normal business man, but didn't think anything of it since he appeared to be leaving the lot. Next thing I know I am in my car getting my phone out of my pocket and turning my music on when I notice in my side view mirror that man approaching my car and reaching for my door. I was panicking because I couldn't go far very fast with cars on all sides of me so I just threw my car in reverse and stepped on the gas. The guy kinda went back all clumsy like and gave me a look like you almost ran over me. I put my car in drive and sped off quickly.
Now he may of been just trying to ask for money or something, but I'm sorry, you don't quietly follow a girl to her car by herself and expect her not to almost run over you! My heart was nearly beating out of my chest. Now I tell you all of this to get to the real point of this post.
It made my heart swell with happiness when I told Zeb this and his number one priority was my safety. I know that seems like it should be a "duh", but come on now. Zeb isn't the most verbal about things and especially not feelings. I know I am important to him and I know he cares about me, but I guess since he doesn't say those things a lot, watching him go into mission mode after this incident made me feel like I have not only a husband, but a hero. He went to two different places last night looking for pepper spray and talking to a guy about the best one. After finding out that the best one was going to require going to a store not very close to where we live, he went first thing this morning and dropped it off to me at work. He told me he got the red one so it is bright and people will see it. His thoughtfulness and priority to provide something to help me be safer was so what I needed.
I may be completely terrified of this city, but watch out man in the parking lot because I am now armed thanks to my sweet, sweet husband. I know I could take care of myself, but there is just something comforting about knowing you have someone on your side that wants to take care of you too.
Thanks for this one God. You really know how to pick'em!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Holy Toledo!
It has been far too long since my last post. We have been some busy bees and truthfully my poor mind has not had the will power to come up with a post worth any ones time to read. I am not sure this one will really captivate anyone either, but I thought I would share what has been going on in our world over the last few weeks.
We got all moved into our new home. We are now located in a suburb of Tulsa. We have a big backyard for the dogs and kids next door which means we might actually have some trick or treaters this year!!
And in between moving and Valentine's day we have been wrapped up in managing this chaotic life. I have been trying to keep up with my training for my half-marathon, which I am happy to announce that I succeeded in running 5 miles in 35 degree weather at my fastest pace yet which really isn't all that fast, but hey it is the small milestones! And then job searching. Yes, I said it, job searching. Because wouldn't it just be that as soon as we get all settled in our new home that serves perfect to our liking, a wrench gets thrown in.
My sweet husband was laid off last Monday. We have finally felt the impact of this economy personally. However, there is something so unique and humbling about this experience. We have grown closer. We have spent more time in communication with each other and God. We have laughed more and cried (well I cried). We have asked why and we have prayed more together. I guess sometimes, most times, personal growth, spiritual growth, marriage growth, comes from trials rather than comforts, deserts rather than gardens. I like to believe though, that when you are the most confused about where your life is headed and what exactly God is doing with it, that you better hold on because He is about to do something really big.
So we don't know where we are headed. We don't know why we got settled in a place we love and made goals to get debt free and got excited making plans for the future just for all of it to be taken away one month later. We don't understand what this part of the plan is all about, but I guess that is why we feel really lucky. We feel lucky because there is a peace inside of us that continues to remind us that we don't have to know and we don't have to understand we just have to be willing to go and I feel even luckier to have a husband that looks up first for direction rather than to this world. This might mean we have to move AGAIN in the coming months, but we are ready for whatever may be.
In the meantime we are trying our hardest to be patient and taking it one day at a time. We keep our heads up and stay focused on where we are headed. We know what has been placed on our hearts. We have goals to accomplish and one tiny stick in the road sure isn't going to stop us. You see when life happens in a way you didn't expect, you can either let it paralyze you or you can fight back.
We refuse to be paralyzed.
"No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." Romans 8:37
We got all moved into our new home. We are now located in a suburb of Tulsa. We have a big backyard for the dogs and kids next door which means we might actually have some trick or treaters this year!!
This is our kitchen, which absolutely sold me from first glance. It has an antique finish and is so open. I love cooking in here.
Sorry about the sideways picture, but this is our teeny bathroom. I was a little on the fence about this at first, but I have actually grown to like it because it doesn't allow for much clutter.
Our living room with nice big windows that over look our front yard and porch. Please note: We bought our coffee table and end table the first weekend we moved in on craigslist, but it has turned out to be a great buy! We felt like we were moving up in the world. Zeb says we will furnish our entire house with craigslist. Is it sad that I might be OK with this??
Zeb surprised me one day after work by hanging our quilt that we received from Grandma Austin on our wedding day. It is absolutely beautiful! This woman has skills. She hand made this and she is nearly 90!
And then we celebrated Valentines Day last night. This was Zeb's gift to me coupled with a card and chocolate.
And this was mine to him. A card and a truffle. We completed the night with some wine, The Voice, and conversation. It was perfect.
And in between moving and Valentine's day we have been wrapped up in managing this chaotic life. I have been trying to keep up with my training for my half-marathon, which I am happy to announce that I succeeded in running 5 miles in 35 degree weather at my fastest pace yet which really isn't all that fast, but hey it is the small milestones! And then job searching. Yes, I said it, job searching. Because wouldn't it just be that as soon as we get all settled in our new home that serves perfect to our liking, a wrench gets thrown in.
My sweet husband was laid off last Monday. We have finally felt the impact of this economy personally. However, there is something so unique and humbling about this experience. We have grown closer. We have spent more time in communication with each other and God. We have laughed more and cried (well I cried). We have asked why and we have prayed more together. I guess sometimes, most times, personal growth, spiritual growth, marriage growth, comes from trials rather than comforts, deserts rather than gardens. I like to believe though, that when you are the most confused about where your life is headed and what exactly God is doing with it, that you better hold on because He is about to do something really big.
So we don't know where we are headed. We don't know why we got settled in a place we love and made goals to get debt free and got excited making plans for the future just for all of it to be taken away one month later. We don't understand what this part of the plan is all about, but I guess that is why we feel really lucky. We feel lucky because there is a peace inside of us that continues to remind us that we don't have to know and we don't have to understand we just have to be willing to go and I feel even luckier to have a husband that looks up first for direction rather than to this world. This might mean we have to move AGAIN in the coming months, but we are ready for whatever may be.
In the meantime we are trying our hardest to be patient and taking it one day at a time. We keep our heads up and stay focused on where we are headed. We know what has been placed on our hearts. We have goals to accomplish and one tiny stick in the road sure isn't going to stop us. You see when life happens in a way you didn't expect, you can either let it paralyze you or you can fight back.
We refuse to be paralyzed.
"No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." Romans 8:37
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