To Be Still

I feel as though I am in a weird wrestling match with God right now. I don't know much about wrestling, but I am pretty sure there is more than one round and you just keep going at each other until one pins the other. Well we must still be in round one because I don't feel as though I have been pinned or that I have pinned, I just know that we keep going at each other. I also know that I am frustrated by this wrestling match because I can't seem to find a good move in order to accomplish anything and I haven't felt much on His end either. I don't want to win and I don't want to say I got you figured out, I just want one good move.

I am frustrated. I have gone round and round these last few weeks trying to figure out how to get where I know I have been before. I know we have swung in sync before, but right now I just feel like you are three feet ahead or behind right now. I can't even figure that out.

Last night we talked about having things just written on a stone for us so we would know where we were with things or at least what direction to go, but I guess that wouldn't really be faith than would it? We wouldn't have to have faith if it was written on a stone for us to so plainly see. We would just need to read and follow directions. Our problem then might be with ourselves if we didn't follow directions rather than with you not providing those directions.

And yes, I did just say the problem is with you God. I feel like I am trying to find those directions, I am trying to connect, and worship, and love, and not worry, and live a life with purpose and yet I still can't feel the one thing that is supposed to lead all of that. I can't feel you.

Have I lost sight of how to connect with you? Am I focused on the wrong thing? Is my energy in red when you want it in blue? I feel ultra vulnerable right now and that scares me, but I guess that is why we live by faith and not by sight.

My sight is leading this conversation right now because my sight is focusing on the darkness I see ahead. If my faith were in charge I might not feel these frustrations. If my faith were in charge I might focus more on what I don't see rather than what I see. If my faith were in charge I might know that there is always a light that accompanies the darkness and that light always provides a path. I might know that you haven't gone anywhere and maybe the whole idea is not feel you at this moment. I might know that maybe I am trying too hard and right now you just want me to sit still. To be still...and know you are...God.

"I love you, Lord, my strength"-Psalm 18:1