Fear Is An Enemy That Will Always Lie To You

What would you do if you were not afraid?

It's a convicting question. One that has haunted me for weeks. Over the years I can point out a few key people who I have admired for their lack of fear. And actually for their lack of fear in one very particular area. They lacked the fear to be themselves. 

In my earliest years it was my mom. I watched her over and over again be who she was. There was no fear of what someone might think and if there was it didn't show. I believe she tried to instill that in us too. I can remember moments when she would tell us not to be so concerned about what someone else thought. She would probably tell you today that it has hardly stuck with me. I am concerned. 

A little later in life it came in the form of my best friend Amy. She never feared what someone might think. She was who she was and it was a quality I loved. It made me proud to be her best friend. "That's just Amy" I got used to saying. 

At another point in life it came with a dear friend named Ariel. She had a way of being herself, loving who she was, and drawing others to love her too. I found myself thinking, "when I grow up, I want to be just like her." 

It has come in my family in another way. My cousin Robin seems to have no fear of being who she is. People love her just the same and I am frequently wondering how to find that same lack of fear. 

Finally, it has come in my husband. He doesn't seem to be at all concerned about what someone else thinks. He is working on me. 

A couple weeks ago I had a very sobering moment. A very sweet woman looked at me and said point blankly, "Sasha, sometimes I think you over-analyze things." Which was a very nice way of saying, you worry too much about what others are thinking.  

THIS IS TRUE! 

I couldn't argue with her. I knew it. And I appreciated her honesty. I appreciated the authenticity of her statement. It wasn't mean or hateful. It just was. It is what it is.

This one way of experiencing fear has been at the very top of my prayer list. I don't want to fear what you think or what you think or even what you think because it leaves me in a very anxious state. However, when I convince myself to quit worrying about that I am left extremely vulnerable...and vulnerability is scary. There comes the fear again. 

So I am asking you too.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?  

Just When You Thought Advocare Was All I Cared About

It’s been 7 months since the miscarriage and we are now 1 month past what would have been our due date. Being a girl I tend to keep track of these kinds of things. Anybody reading this probably knows me well enough to know that I am an open book. I lead a very transparent life. There are very little secrets. For this reason I needed to write today.


First let me say that I don’t want to hurt or offend anyone who has experienced the waiting game much longer than I have or has learned that they will never carry a child of their own. That is far from my intent. I simply need to have a monologue about this whole experience so far.

I thought it would be easier. I never thought I would get to know my body so intimately. I just figured when we were ready, we would put all contraceptives aside and wa-la pregnant we would be. I never knew I would eventually turn to ovulation kits or charting. After the miscarriage and all of the emotions I eventually got to a place where I told myself, “it is fine”. I will wait the recommended time by the Doc and we will start again and God will work it out. Being in our 5th month of trying again, I am still waiting for God to work it out.

I have put a lot of things to the side in 5 months all in the name of “trying to get pregnant”. My body has suffered because I am not as active as I was. My emotions have been rocked because they are on a constant up and down rollercoaster. It’s a fight between I am strong enough to not worry about it and I don’t get it. I had quite the break down last month for about a week that included lots of tears and prayers that only asked why and when. It’s been a ride. And I am sorry for the rawness of this post, but I am not sorry at all because sometimes this is just life. Sometimes it just has to be said and experienced in other ways besides your head and heart. Even if my husband would disagree completely.

So a lot of my energy has been wrapped around this one life changing event. I have spent countless hours on Google researching how to do what and if this is a sign or that is a sign. There are some crazy conversations happening out there in cyberspace between women. They’re sharin it all and then some! And holy Toledo, reading those boards is like interpreting a foreign language! c/p, bd, af, bfp, bfn…the list goes on and on! I have been very successful in obsessing over this one thing, but do you know where I have failed?

I have failed in enjoying today. I have failed in embracing this time I have with my husband that doesn’t include the worry of kids. I have failed in continuing to push myself to reach my goals. I have failed in reading books I enjoy or the bible because they have been replaced by baby web boards. I have failed in seeking the one who has it all planned out already because I think I can plan it better. Or if I do this one thing or if I don’t work out as much or eat this fruit that will boost my fertility or whatever it is. If I do it then it will happen. And I am pretty sure God’s just sitting up there maybe half way entertained by my scrambling, but definitely with a broken heart saying “just trust me”.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.-Proverbs 3:5-6

And I tell you all of this because sometimes God uses special people in special ways at special times to get this message across to you. God finally spoke to me through the mouth of my own husband last week. In a somewhat emotional moment, definitely on my end, talking about life I looked at Zeb and said why do you think it is so hard for us?

He said, and I am paraphrasing this entire conversation, Sasha I know you have been so anxious about all of this, but you have got to stop worrying and just let it happen. If you are worried about why we aren’t getting pregnant whether it’s because of something you did or aren’t doing now it’s not. Do you think we serve a vengeful God? No, we serve a loving God that has good things for us and He has a plan. I want to have our own kid just as bad as you do, but it’s in His hands and we have to trust that. If it’s through our own means or adopting or never that is for him to decide and not us. But you have got to stop stressing yourself out over it.

And as he talked my eyes just welled up in tears much like they are right now as I type. I knew what he was saying was true. And I felt so blessed that God made him my husband to calm me in these very moments. And I look forward to a day when he gets to be the daddy to our children and calm their fears by sharing the faith he has in God and His plan. When he will get to teach them how to put your trust in a loving and faithful God, because nothing on this earth provides more peace than the one who created it all. And he will get to do that because it’s been promised and His promises are real and always fulfilled. This I know.

In the words of Jesus, “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.”-John 14:1