Today marks the last day of my 1st trimester. Whew! What a roller coaster the last 8 weeks have been. You may have read this post a few months back about the emotions I had around trying to get pregnant after the most emotional loss of my life last fall. When we found out we were pregnant in July it was a whole new set of emotions. The last 8 weeks have been a combination of happiness and faith that I would make it to this day with a strong whisper of fear. Every trip to the bathroom was filled with the hardest prayers I have ever prayed. Every tinge in my abdomen was followed with relentless searches online. Is it normal? Could it be bad? The first two weeks knowing I was pregnant was rocky. I am fairly certain if the nurses at my OB's office could veto patients they would have used that power on me. I called almost daily. Can you check my levels again? How early can we check things out? Are you sure I shouldn't start progesterone? Bless them.
The first weekend in August I spent a Saturday with puffy eyes in the ER just sure I had lost this one too. I told God I could NOT go through another 6 weeks of this torture. I could NOT wonder every. single. DAY. if I would make it through today. Or better yet if my baby would make it through. That day I gave it up. My sweet nurse had already told me just days before that if I was still worried I hadn't truly given it over to God and she was right. So that day I decided I had to. I needed to. And most importantly I wanted to. I didn't want to keep fighting the enemy alone. I didn't want to keep carrying this burden that I knew He could carry better. And that day, when I finally gave it up, I received more peace than I knew I could allow myself to receive. I heard God tell me I would make it. We would make it.
A couple follow up appointments eventually led to the final appointment of my first trimester. The one I had been praying I would make it to all along. The appointment was on Thursday and all week I ran through every scenario that could happen in my head. More bad than good. Emotionally I was prepared for the worst. I want to tell you I went in with all the faith in the world that it would be OK, but I would be lying. I was so incredibly scared that it wouldn't be. I kept saying all week, "I still feel pregnant and I am excited, but I am just ready to know if the baby is still OK." The nurse found the heartbeat quickly. 150's. Baby is good.
In a matter of minutes I had gotten the news I didn't think I would get. It was only about 2 minutes later when I lost it. That's right. Completely burst into tears. The nurse confused. Zeb embarrassed. I tried to explain through sobbing that they really were tears of joy. I had just been so scared all week and now I had confirmation that everything was OK and all of my emotions were running rampant. Zeb, sweet Zeb, confirmed "you did hear the heartbeat? You know that's good right?" Laughing, I told him yes and well that slowed the tears.
So today is close to the best day of my year. Tomorrow I will see the 2nd trimester. And while there are still 27 weeks ahead of me that could go any direction, I am singing the praises today. I have always known that my God is good, but when you spend 8 weeks clinching to faith because the fear is trying so hard to pull you down, it tends to emphasize it more. When that prayer you have been praying and that fear that has been lurking is conquered, it is indescribable. I write all of this with a sensitivity to my dear friends that are still waiting for their day. I have more friends than I want right now that are fighting their own battles to start or continue their families and to you I say, let your faith voice talk louder than your fear voice. Worship him in the storm. Don't let defeat win. His plan is good and He works all things for the good of those who love Him.
Hope you enjoy the weekly updates below!
This week, baby is the size of a: Peach! 3 inches
Due date: April 1, 2014
How far along: 13 weeks tomorrow :)
Next appointment: October 10th
Gender: Another 6 weeks or so!!
Total weight gain/loss: 7 pounds. Yikes! Hoping to even that out over the next couple weeks since I have been doing NOTHING for 8 weeks in the name of "playing it safe"
Stretch marks: I don't think any new ones...unfortunately I have some from weight gains and losses in the past and will more than likely get more!
Swelling: None!
Maternity clothes: Purchased a belly band finally last week. Clothes have been tight, but having the belly band has helped!
Belly button: Normal
Sleep: Waking up every couple of nights to pee and falling asleep by like 9:30 every night!
Food cravings/aversions: Umm none recently. I did have a phase during week 8-10 where I wanted only cold stuff and then I quickly moved into wanting chili all the time, but that is about it.
Movement: too early!
Wedding ring: Still fits great! Hoping that lasts!
What I miss: running and working out in general. I am going to slowly get going again this week now that we are out of the first trimester. Woo hoo!
What I'm loving: the blame game. Ha ha anytime I want something random or don't want to do something I can just blame it on being pregnant.
What I'm looking forward to: not looking like I have a beer gut and actually looking pregnant! I am so anal about my body that this transition phase has been hard on my self-esteem. Embrace it right?
Best moment this week: It was last week. Taking pictures with Zeb was so fun. Just embracing this gift that we have been blessed with and laughing with each other. Love those moments
Milestones: Reaching the 2nd trimester! Thank you Jesus!! :) :) :)
Happy Fall friends! It is coming!
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