On the Brink of Change

I dusted off the keyboard today to find that I haven't written since April. APRIL! Wow! That was four months ago and I think I have felt every minute of it. I have sat down many times over the last several months itching to put words down. And yet every time I have stopped. Stopped to wonder what to write and it certainly hasn't been for a lack of things to write about.

In my last post I was on a mission to reset for sanity. I started the Whole 30 and 3 days later I quit. Rather than announce to all of you that I quit I just ignored it. When people, in passing. asked how it was going I laughed it off and answered with, "I WAS STARVING". Which was true. But it could of possibly also been that I just love spending my weekends baking too many things that the Whole 30 definitely doesn't allow. Like these.

And here is one of my donut monster wondering when I will be done taking pictures and actually give him 1!

Upon quitting the Whole 30, I began an inner dialogue with myself on what I was really trying to get out of it. The whole 30 mission and my mission do not exactly align and like any good business deal I am sure that must be a priority for success.

So the last 4 months I have spent a lot of time in dialogue with friends, family, mostly my husband(poor guy) about this crazy thing called life away from the blog. I would say I am exploring a lot of change right now. What I have been trying to come up with is exactly what my mission is right now and how I can achieve that with all of the daily life balances.

I am excited about where I am going. I don't have many details to share today, but what I did want to say is this Labor Day has opened my eyes to a lot. It's been one of the best, most convicting, restful, yet productive weekends I have had in a long time. I pray you will stay tuned for some of the changes to come. And with that I will leave you with some photos of my goofy little boy that I took this morning.

Resetting For My Sanity!

Tuesday morning I had a moment. It was a desperate plea to Jesus. 

I NEED HELP!

I have been singing this tune for about a month now. I need to reign in the spending, make healthier choices with food, MAKE time to exercise, and use time I have been wasting on meaningless things to play with Grady and get in the Word! Ever since having Grady, It has felt like I am racing time constantly and making excuses for everything! 

I am too tired to clean, read, workout....

I don't have time to plan meals out anymore...I will just grab something on the way. 

I will do better next week,

I will eat better tomorrow. 

I will start a new Bible reading plan next week. 

Bible plan "start over" button...

Start over button...

Oh shoot...start over button...

Honestly, I have never been one to make so many excuses about things. I have even failed miserably at keeping in touch with friends. I used to be the one that would say "you make time for what is important to you" and now I am the one not allowing time for any of the things that are REALLY important to me. 

So Tuesday, I woke up to my alarm at 5:30 AM. I looked up at the ceiling and just said "Jesus, Help Me." 

Help me do better.

Help me spend less

Help me figure out how to make more progress on our financial goals.

Help me eat better.

Help me workout more. 

Help me spend quality time with Grady.

Help me draw closer to you!

Help. Help. Help. I can't do this alone. 

Tuesday night we had home group. Our lesson right now is about things God never said, by Craig Groeschel. He did some good preaching this week and in the middle of his sermon he said something that spoke so incredibly clear to me I couldn't shake it. 

"You were created to NEED God!"

I was created to Need him. I was not created to do it on my own as I have been trying to do for so long. He created me to praise him, give glory to him, drive others to him, and to NEED him. 

Tomorrow I will start the Whole30. This was decided as part of my efforts to reset. I need him to help me reset and I believe that is most importantly done through His word and the body he gave me to live this beautiful life. So for the next 30 days I am committing myself to the Whole30 and at least 30 minutes of time in prayer and the word a day. My prayer is that the Lord would reset me during this time. That he would help me get back in line with him and re-focusing my energy on things that matter most in my heart. 

Would you say a prayer for me to? 

I will let you know how it is going every few days! I love bread, cheese, and wine so this should be rather interesting!

Embracing Our Imperfections

I was standing in the FedEx store last week, patiently waiting my turn to be helped. The book nerd in me didn't mind the wait because there was a whole section of business and leadership books right by the checkout stand to keep me occupied in the meantime. This book immediately caught my attention:

I purchased and had read the first few pages before I even made it out the store. You see I am a person of trial and error. I happen to live and believe that some of my very best lessons learned have been through the mistakes I have made. I was excited to know that an author had penned a whole book on 25 other women that seemed to live and believe that very same thing. 

I am only 10 years out of Highschool, but because of the sponge that I naturally am I feel I have learned a great deal through both soaking up the advice of others and my very own first hand experiences. I started work at the ripe age of 10, thanks to the work of my Dad owning his own Sonic Drive In. Child labor was cheap labor...

I kid. 

Also, thanks to Sonic I began managing people at the age of 16. My parents taught me work ethic and how to take pride in your work early on. So even though I have only been in the professional world for about 7 years, I have learned much more well before others may have had the opportunity. 

A few months ago someone laughed at the fact that I tried to use my, then 6 1/2 years, of professional work experience as valid reasoning for a suggestion I was making. I have thought a lot about that moment since then and while I do not pretend to be a seasoned worker by any means I do know that there has been value in those 6 1/2 years along with the 12 years prior. I also know that working in a recruitment role there are certainly some pieces of advice that many could use, especially our young people. So with that I have 3 pieces of advice for anyone planning to enter the workforce, but mostly for my generation of millennials and younger. 

1. Find a company you are proud to work for-In my short time as a productive member of the workforce I have worked for almost 10 different employers, this includes my waitressing jobs in college and beyond. However, this piece of advice comes mostly from my time with the United Way. In that role I was assigned to various employers across the City of Tulsa to solicit money for their annual campaign. I was always able to tell when a company had employees that were proud of their workplace v. a company with employees that were not. Drill the employer when you are job searching. Use the tools on the internet to find out more about the workplace. Don't just settle. Find a place that has values that match up with your own life values and then give them your best. It makes a better place for all! 

2. Take control of your career growth-Too often I see people complacent and making excuses for their complacency. They say they didn't receive enough training or there are no opportunities to grow in their company or their position is boring because they do not have enough to do. One of the best pieces of advice I received from my boss in my first recruitment role was this; "I firmly believe you have to ask for opportunities that you want and are responsible for doing so." I remember when she first told me that, I thought, easy for you to say, but now I totally get it! Quit sitting back and waiting for someone else to drive your career. Ask for opportunity. Seek training. Continue to grow yourself.

3. Work hard-This seems like a no brainer, but I am so incredibly passionate about this one. I can remember when I was 10, 11, 12 years old. I can remember the high schoolers that worked for my dad. I can remember the service that was given. It's different today. I watch my Grandma and my son's 76 year old day care lady work their bum off and I think, gosh, where has that work ethic gone? I'm disappointed in our generation that has put their hand out expecting large salaries and great benefits for very little return. I am disappointed in our generation that thinks because they received a degree in something they deserve a grand title with little accountability. Work hard. Earn your way to that salary. Feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of your day. It's important. And people respect it. 

I'm reading that book right now, Mistakes I Made at Work, and it is completely feeding my soul. What great lessons there are to learn from our elders, from people who have lived a little, who have failed and failed and succeeded and failed again. I have great aspirations for myself and I am living them right now. Each day I aspire to be better than I was yesterday. I have found a career I love working for a company I enjoy so much. A company I am proud to be a part of and I hope to one day have a leadership role in. As for now I just keep soaking in the good stuff, taking control of my own career growth, failing daily, hoping to succeed, and working really hard. It's the best I can do because in the words of Jessica Bacal

"...anyone who wants to innovate, gain recognition, or become a leader will need to take risks and realize that mistakes are inevitable...rather than doubt ourselves, question our worth and view ourselves as improvable projects..embrace the imperfection of humanity."

SA 

Precious Jesus

About a year ago, right before I had Grady actually, our church held a Women's bible study over the lunch hour. It was one hour for 4 weeks that focused around telling your story. Each week we got to listen to the story of one woman and how Jesus had worked in her life. Shortly after that started I shared the second half of my Jesus story. I shared the part after I surrendered my life to Jesus. I shared how that happened and what things had happened in my life since that time. I was planning to return and write the part of my story leading up to finding Jesus....but Grady came 3 weeks early and now here we are a year later! I am not here today to really share that story, but I started thinking about it this week when I was thinking about my relationship with Jesus.

"How do I expect to teach my children about the Bible if I don't know about it?"

"Your children are watching you so closely. What are you showing them? Is it the love of Christ and how to have a deep relationship?"

You see, having Grady has really created quite the conundrum. I want to know Jesus deeply and have a strong relationship with him and demonstrate his love daily. And I want all of these things of course because they are important to me, but they have become even more important now, with Grady. I want all of those same things for him. I want him to know who Jesus was and what Jesus did for him and why we REALLY celebrate Easter. The bunny is cute and all, but come on there is deeper meaning here! I want my relationship to be great because I want his to be even greater! However, being a full time mommy, working full time, being a full time wife, and hardly a part time sister, daughter, friend, church go-er, work outer, and anything else I spend time doing has made things quite difficult in the effort of having an intimate relationship with the creator of the universe. It goes without saying, I have F-A-I-L-E-D.

In the last several months those two questions above that I have heard in separate settings from different people have stuck with me. How do I expect to teach Grady the importance of the bible and him actually believe it when I am not doing it myself? In addition, am I exhibiting the love and actions of Christ on a regular basis so that he knows what that looks like and how to do that? I know he is only 1, but we are already teaching him the ABC's and how to say things like mama and dada. Shouldn't Jesus be in there somewhere?

The basic theme of my Jesus story prior to actually becoming a Christian was that I always felt his presence. From the time I was a small, small child I had a desire to know him. I was curious about him. I went to church because it was interesting to me. And then I came to know him as an adult because I let people talk to me about Him. I just never felt like He wasn't there.

And here is the most PRECIOUS thing about Jesus today

I still haven't felt like He wasn't there. After a year and some change of making, excuse my language, half-ass efforts at a relationship with him. Making excuses like; I am a new mom, new responsibilities, learning the new routine, blah, blah, blah...HE IS STILL THERE.

He is still there. 

He has not abandoned me. He has not shamed me or made me feel less than enough. Even after a full year of hardly throwing a bone his way, he has loved me and accepted me and shown me more grace and mercy than I could ever ask or deserve. Ya'll he is pursuing me! Just as he pursued me my whole life, he is pursuing me still today and is pursuing you too!

I am in awe. As we approach these two weeks before Easter and the celebration of his death and resurrection, think on that. The God of the Universe sent his son to die for you. Then he raised him from the dead so that you could know him and love him forever and ever, amen! He pursued you then and he is pursuing you today. Not out of works does he want a relationship, but simply loving and trusting him with your life. No matter what you have done or will do, He is still there. Fully and completely in love with you.

And as I lay my head to rest tonight I will find peace in that. I will strive for relationship and to do better tomorrow, but tonight I will find rest in knowing I am still enough.

The Christmas Story

As I stood in the mirror, I stared at myself and I don't think one nice thing came to mind. I began thinking of all the ways I had failed at work that week. The mistreatment I had given anyone that crossed me wrong. I thought of how I hadn't met my daily water intake goal and how again another 5 days had passed and I hadn't stepped foot in the gym. I thought of how the scale still read a number much higher than I wanted and how my clothes were still too tight. Oh...and how those maternity clothes are still filling my comfort zone quite well. I thought of how we had over spent here and not saved enough there. I thought of all the ways I could do better as a mom to Grady or a wife to Zeb. I thought of the dishes that still needed done, the floors that needed cleaned, and the laundry that needed washed. I thought of the 7 to 8 books waiting to be read and the PHR I have yet to dedicate enough study time to. I thought of the bible that was getting dusty on my bedside table. And then I began to wonder....Where is my God in all of this? How have I found myself so far removed that all I can do is recognize how messy my life has become? What desert have I wandered into?

Satan is the best liar and the best thief of our life.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..."-John 10:10

In that moment a tear began to fall. I had become so caught up in keeping up that I had completely lost my soul.

"I don't wanna gain the world and lose my soul"-Toby Mac

I was talking to a mentor/friend at work a couple weeks ago and she said something that sent chills through my whole body. We were discussing how to handle the tough things that life throws at you sometimes and she said something so convicting. "How would you want Grady to handle it?"

"How would you want Grady to handle it?"

"How would you want Grady to talk to himself when everything feels out of control and messy?"

"How would you advise your very best friend to work through the mess or rut or situation they were going through?"

I mean isn't that how it is? So often we let our self talk or self advice sound much different than what we might tell those we love most. But what if for 1 minute you said something different to yourself? What if you believed you could go after your dream? What if you believed you could create different habits? Or quit habits you have had for a long time? What if you told yourself you could do better? Or that you were actually pretty and worthy  of great things? What if you believed that there was a God that has come so that you could have life more abundantly? What if you knew you didn't have to carry those burdens alone?

What if...???

It is Christmas time. And the real Christmas story tells us that there was a savior born over 2000 years ago. He laid in manger. He lived a perfect life. He died a perfect death. And he rose from that tomb for you. So that you could live today and walk amongst this crazy world without dying to it. You see there is an enemy lurking. He is finding everything he can as a foothold to keep you down. He wants to kill your belief, steal your joy, and destroy any relationships in your life that might do otherwise. I'm praying we stay focused on the light of this world. The light that led the shepherds through the night to the new born king. The light that continued to shine for all the world. The light that lives in you. The light that lives in me. For our broken souls are made perfect by the only one that could. Unto us a King is born!

"...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"-John 10:10

The Familiar Voice

I have said this before, but since becoming a mommy I have not felt called to be home rather than working. I truly believe there is a place for me in the workforce and I really enjoy what I do. With that said, I definitely have my moments when I wonder how different things might look if I did take the opportunity to be a stay at home mommy. Maybe I could work harder at my fitness certification that has been pending for 6 months or get better at cooking, read more, oh all the time I would have!(I know all my SAHM friends are laughing at me right now. It's not reality) I had a moment about a month ago, it was a Sunday morning. Zeb was at work and I was trying to get Grady down for his morning nap. He wouldn't go down. After an hour and a half and lots of tears I FINALLY got him to sleep. However, I couldn't help but wonder if the reason I couldn't do it was because I didn't do it enough. There was Satan, creeping in to tell me just one more thing I wasn't good at.

Fast forward to yesterday. Can I tell you what I absolutely, 100% love about being a working mommy? Yesterday, I walked into Ms. Ruby's house. I made my way back to the room where all the kiddos hang out. I found Ms. Ruby in her chair and behind her was Grady. He hadn't seen me yet, but as I was walking up to the gate I began talking. Immediately those sweet blue eyes popped around the chair and his face lit up. He got his hands straight and crawled as quick as his little body would let him right over to me. As I picked him up he just clenched to me. And ladies and gentlemen, this momma's heart melted. How sweet it is to walk in, after a hard day at work, to that sweet face and get that response. Because even though he couldn't tell me, I knew he was just as excited to see me as I was him.

When I thought about that moment, I began to think about Jesus. Isn't that how He is? We go through times of absence. Times when we get to "work" on our lives trying to make everything right and happen just the way we want it. It may be days. It may even be months and years. Maybe we forget what it's like to even know Jesus on a daily basis anymore. Maybe we think He has forgotten us or better yet, mad at us for trying to do life on our own. Maybe we get caught up in the Holiday season feeling stressed and pressured by all of the demands this season can bring. Maybe life has thrown us around on one too many crazy rollercoasters and it feels impossible to think that God is even watching over you anymore so you go into the desert for a little bit. Maybe somewhere along the way the world got real good at convincing you that you needed way more of it than any spiritual relief. Whatever it is, maybe it has just been a while since you have seen the face of Jesus and felt the hand of God. Felt that sweet grasp. Jesus is like that moment with Grady. Regardless of the absence, of how the departure went, of how the all the time in the middle without each other seemed, His response when you return will be pure joy. His face will light up. His pace will be quick. His clench will be strong. And he will hold you and kiss you and without a word needed the joy in his face will say in that all familiar way, "I am so glad you came back".

Sweet friends, my prayer is that you are seeking and experiencing that joy today. My prayer is that you are asking God to fight the fleshly desires on your behalf. That Satan would not stand a chance in your life because of the relationship you have with your Father, in Heaven. If you are finding yourself in the desert, I pray you hear his voice leading you home. I'm praying you needed this reminder as much as I did today. And in the spirit of this season that is all about Him and the life He lived I pray for a fire to be lit in your soul. And when that fire is lit, I pray you take that light to others to spark their fire.

Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle.They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away.Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle.Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind,for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.-Psalm 107:4-9

Will You Step Up to Bat?

In third grade I made the all star softball team. It was one of our last games of the season and we were playing a great team. Towards the end of that game that great team put in a great pitcher. She was fast. To this day I still remember the choice I made. It is the earliest memory I have of that choice that I would make time and time again. Pulling myself out of a game I never even gave myself a chance to beat. You see there was an inning where I got hit in the shin pretty hard by a line drive. It hurt, but I was fine. However, when we got into the dugout I told my coach I was hurt and couldn't bat. Truth be told I was afraid. I was afraid to get up there against that fast pitcher and strike out. So instead I told my coach I couldn't bat because my leg was hurting too bad. He looked at me and said, Sasha if I pull you out of the batting line up I have to pull you off the field. He didn't want that as much as I didn't. Not to toot my own horn, but I was a darn good softball player. I told him to pull me. He was disappointed, I think my parents were disappointed, and I was certainly disappointed.

I tell you that story because it is the clearest example I can give you of a time I gave up on myself before I even gave myself a chance. There were others around me that believed in me, but I didn't believe in myself. And I never knew characteristics of ourselves that could be life long would show that early on. You see I could give you a handful of other examples when I decided I didn't have what it takes before I even knew if I had what it took. Over the course of the last 20 years or so I have multiple times where the first thought was I am not capable. I can't. How different would my life look if I just believed for one minute that I could?

Self talk and self belief are powerful forces in our lives. A couple weeks ago we had a women's worship night at church. The speaker addressed self talk that night. It matters. Those things you keep telling yourself. They matter. I've always admired the woman that believes in herself, but those women are few and far between. Can anyone tell me why we spend so much time lifting each other up, but yet so much time tearing ourselves down?

You sweet girl...I am talking to you. That other mom doesn't have it all figured out. She may hold it together better, but I promise she is just as confused with this mom thing as you are. And you young lady. Thinking God has forgotten about you at the not quite ripe age of 25. He hasn't. Your prince charming is around the corner. Who cares if your friends found theirs faster. Enjoy the single life. It doesn't last forever. And you wise woman. Wondering if that sweet baby you rocked to sleep so many years ago will ever need you like that again. I promise he/she needs you today just as much as he/she needed you then. It's hard learning how to parent an adult, but it will get easier. And all of you sweet women in between. Where ever you are in life and whatever it is you are facing, I pray your self talk is gentle. I pray you are believing in yourself even when it seems no one else is. There is a God up above saying, "I believed in you when I knit you in your mother's womb".

"Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O' Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The Lord, the King of Isreal, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem; "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hand hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, he is might to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."-Zephaniah 3:14-17

The last couple weeks have presented some great opportunities to demonstrate belief in myself. They were opportunities to trust the Lord and know that whatever it is he is calling me to he will bring me through. I took a bold step of faith in knowing that God has equipped me for anything that I am being asked to do for his glory. It's not my plan, it's his. And when I can rest in that assurance there is no fear. There is no worry. He says simply, believe in me and I will equip you to believe in yourself.

What do you need help believing today?

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."-Jeremiah 29:11

Work as Worship

Last month our Lifegroup did a study called "Work as Worship". It was all about looking at your work as a form of worship to God. This study resonated with me for so many reasons. I have been working since I was about 11 years old. Thanks to my Dad and his awesome job at Sonic, I had the ability to not only earn money but learn the importance of a good work ethic early on. I can still remember the way customers looked at me when I brought their orders out. Bewildered. How old is this girl? That's right, 12 years old.

Because of this I learned earlier than most the importance of good customer service, a can-do attitude, and how important it is to put your best foot forward all the time. My absolute favorite part of my days at Sonic was interacting with the customers. Not even just for the tips. I truly loved seeing people smile and doing anything I could to ensure they had the best fast food experience. I still love it.

Fast forward about 15 years and here I am now applying those same lessons to a different type of work. I am convinced it's the reason I love recruitment so much. It is all about service. I really enjoy doing all I can to find the perfect candidate for a hiring manager. I love talking to candidates about their career goals. I am not afraid to be really honest with a candidate about a position if it isn't the right fit because it leads to a better conversation of what could be a good fit. I tend to have a very grey attitude about things because I am usually of the mindset that we can figure out a way to make it work. My dad used to always tell me that we could do anything the customer asked. So you can thank him for trying to apply that same mantra in the corporate world.

I also like to think that because I started work so early in such a fast paced environment I tend to thrive in that way still today. You can find me easily at my desk with an offer letter in draft, talking on the phone with a manager, updating my spreadsheet, and starting an email all at the same time. I actually prefer this type of work over focusing on one event at a time. All those years of taking a customers order on the board while starting their beverages and bagging orders taught my mind how to juggle well. I am thankful for that.

I truly do look at my work as a form of worship because I feel like I am doing exactly what God called me to do. He prepared me at a young age. Becoming a mom has forced me to really re-evaluate my work, but I haven't felt called to do anything different. I grew up in a working family and I don't tend to think I need to stay home in order to be a good Mom so I'm not sure that will ever be the path I take. I find it very balancing to work and be a mom, but I'm not ruling anything out either. If God calls me to stay home sometime in my future then I'm sure he will allow me to use my talents in other ways.

Another huge part of the study that really shook me was the week we discussed management. I am not in a management role now, but since I have been in the past and hope to be again in the future I try to pay attention to the topic. I have been very fortunate to have some excellent managers in my life and only a couple not so great managers. To me, a good manager, is one that fosters both personal and professional development, is honest to the core, and does not micro-manage. There was a point brought up in the study though that I had never thought about. They said something along the lines of, "as a manager you directly impact your employee's quality of life. In some cases they spend more time at work then they do at home and it is important that you are aware of the environment you are creating for them." I have literally not quit thinking about that. And the more I thought I about it, I started thinking how true it was just as an individual contributor. I share an office with one of my co-workers and I have the ability to directly influence how her days are. I can either create a positive place or a negative place. We spend at least 40 hours a week together and I would much rather we enjoy that time while being productive than sit quietly waiting for quitting time! You see, the point was, when you are treating your work as a form of worship to God, you should also be creating a space that would honor God. This was earth shattering for me.

As a self-help junkie, I love to learn and find ways to make myself better. I was never the girl in school trying to be original. I typically fell into a mold that didn't make me stand out too much and always looked right in the teacher's eyes. As an adult I have noticed that if I try too hard to not stand out I can quickly become like everyone else. To be honest I am not too fond of what most people look like these days. Our workplaces are drenched in people that don't try very hard, live for the weekend, and make the lives of those around them miserable.

God, please let me be original. God help me be different in the workplace. God help me over come my mold favoring tendencies and create an environment that helps others look forward to Monday. When my flesh starts to take over and work in a worldly fashion, help me remember that I am not working for those around me, but for a heavenly Father. I am there for a unique purpose that only you have created. I have gifts that even when they don't seem recognized by my peers, are recognized by you. Help me remember that my work is not simply to pay my bills, but to worship you and do exactly what you have put me on this earth to do. Thank you for that purpose and trusting me with your plans.

Amen.

So what can you do tomorrow to start creating an environment in your workplace that honors God?

Talking About Breasts Because No One Else Will

Let's talk breasts shall we?

Warning: This post will include words like boobs and nipples in regards to breastfeeding A LOT! If that is not your thing I suggest you stop reading now. Also, it is an extremely long post that I was even exhausted after writing, but my fingers wouldn't stop so I apparently had a lot to say about this. It's consumed a large part of the last 6 weeks!

Prior to delivering my sweet son I never put much thought into how I would feed him. Honestly, I don't think I put any real thought into it. There were no pro's and con's lists of breast milk v. formula. No extensive research on the hows of breastfeeding. No clipping of formula coupons. Nothing. Looking back this is completely crazy given all that I have experienced and how much time the kid spends eating. You should definitely put some thought into it pre-delivery. First time moms, take note.

I know this sounds completely ignorant on my part. I mean, I should of known to spend hours pinning tips to a successful breastfeeding relationship rather than how to make his room cuter right? In my mind I knew he would get fed some way. And I kinda knew it would probably be off my breast, but looking back I didn't really know why that would be the case. I think I just assumed since EVERYONE around me always talked about breastfeeding that it was simply what I would do. Duh.

I think I now understand why everyone talks about it. Those that do it are very proud of it and those that don't are scared to talk about it. There is very much a crazy cult like fan club of breastfeeding and if you aren't in....well you are out and they are there to tell you how out you are.

"You can't possibly bond with your baby through a bottle"

"Your baby is going to be so sick"

"Your baby is going to have terrible allergies"

I mean the criticisms go on. Let me just get one thing straight. While I do think there are a lot of great benefits to breastfeeding, I don't in any shape or form buy the "breast is best" theory. There is a whole list of reasons that people will give you about why breast milk is the best milk and most of them are related to a baby's health, but I don't buy it. I'm sure they are added bonuses. However, my three sisters and I were all formula fed and we happen to be some of the healthiest people I know. Great immune systems and no allergies. My husband tells me all the time, "must be hell not to have allergies", when I'm giving him a hard time about his. Who by the way was breastfed and has asthma. Another person I know breastfed her baby for 11 months and they have been in the doctors office more times than she count this year. She is not convinced she will breastfeed her second for as long because of it. Now I know 5 people can't tell the whole story of breastfeeding benefits, but I just want to demonstrate that formula babies do turn out to be healthy people you crazy "breast is best" lovers! ;)

So back to my experience of breastfeeding thus far. I am sure many of you are wondering why in the world I'm investing so much time into making lactation cookies and pumping if I feel the way I do about breastfeeding. I will get there. So throughout my 9 months of pregnancy I had many conversations about the baby that would come. Things like how we picked his name, the theme of his bedroom, and how long I would stay home were all frequent topics of conversation. Nobody ever bothered to ask how he would be fed. No one ever made the effort to discuss the realities of breastfeeding. I think a lot of it has to do with the American culture. America is still very shy about breastfeeding. It's the reason breastfeeding in public is such a controversial issue. We don't want to see it and we still can't even talk about it. In fact, most of the research I have read around the topic has come from Canada or Europe. What I did know about breastfeeding came from the few times I had been in the presence of another woman feeding her child and the book my boss gave me about 4 weeks before I went into labor. When I had witnessed breastfeeding it looked easy and my assumption was that it would be no big deal given the lack of attention. SURPRISE!

In the weeks leading up to my delivery I received a few gifts to help with breastfeeding, lanolin and breast pads. Those gifts didn't come with much explanation other than start using the lanolin immediately. Don't wait until it hurts. Until it hurts? Ok....

Then about 2 weeks before my unexpected delivery I read a friends blog that said breastfeeding had been the hardest thing and was toe curling pain. Wait...what? How come I haven't been told about all of this pain I will experience?

Before I knew it, I was giving birth unexpectedly early and being asked over and over how I planned to feed him. Breast or Formula? My answer was always breast and it was welcomed with much delight. Grady was able to latch on immediately after birth to try and feed, but didn't get to for long given the complications he was experiencing. Within hours of my delivery I had a lactation specialist in my room with very aggressive hands on my breasts trying to extract colostrum. While she was doing this she was explaining to me how to hand express and telling me I had great production already. She quickly ran through the importance of beginning my pumping schedule since I would not be able to breastfeed right away. Given all that I had gone through that day her directions were a blur and it wasn't long before she was gone and I was trying to remember how she hand expressed and how to use the pump she brought me. Boy was I in over my head.

Over the next 6 days I spent every 3 hours attached to the pump since Grady wasn't ready to give breastfeeding a try. It felt pretty easy. I hadn't experienced the engorgement that I was told I might when my milk came in and I was happily providing milk for the NICU nurses to mix in with the formula they were tube feeding my sweet boy. By the time he got off the feeding tube I was producing enough milk for him to be off formula all together. Before Grady could be discharged he had to eat good for a full 24 hours and since I had said I was breastfeeding it meant we were fighting to breastfeed in the NICU with lots of eyes and hands on us. I felt a lot of pressure to get him on and eating well so we could go home all the while realizing this was not going to be easy. He wasn't latching well. Ultimately we defaulted to the bottle just to prove he could eat well and remember our sweet angel nurse Beth? Well she encouraged me not to worry about it so much and to just work on it once we got home in the comfort of our own surroundings with no audience. Thanks again Mrs. Beth! :)

In the days following arriving home we began trying to breastfeed. He did great when I used the nipple shield they gave me and finally was able to transfer to the breast without the shield within a few days, but it wasn't long before I was in the worst pain I've ever experienced. I would brace myself before he latched on, hold my breath and then push him on. I would howl in pain, curling my toes, and praying it would end soon I would be tense through the whole feeding. I would burp and then do it all over again on the other side. Because of the transparent person that I am I started to talk about this with people when they asked me how things were going. Almost every time I got the same response....

"Oooh yeah. It's hard. I remember crying for weeks everytime he/she latched on. But it gets easier I promise! Stick it out and it will be worth it."

I am not kidding. I literally heard that in some form from every previous mother I talked to and I was dumbfounded. Why had no one told me about this? Why didn't anyone mention that Lanolin was actually a saving grace and breast pads should be worn all the time? Why didn't anyone tell me my nipples might bleed or how to know if I have a clogged duct or to watch for infections or yeast? Holy cow there was a whole plethora of knowledge out there that was completely unbeknownst to me! Did I mention to anyone that I was a first time mom and these things might be good to know!

So after about a week I finally started asking people how long till it got better? I heard everything from a couple weeks to a couple months. I then started diving into Google. I quickly discovered how many women out there were actually suffering like me and I now knew why breastfeeding was either going to work or not. I also knew why my pump might become more important to me than I ever thought.

I started reading a lot about how important his latch is and how it can make all the difference in successfully breastfeeding. I also read that the pain should go away and if it isn't getting better there is probably a problem. On the Monday of our 3rd week I went to the weight clinic our hospital does for breastfed babies to make sure they are gaining enough weight. While there I started talking with the lactation specialist about what I was experiencing and she asked if she could watch us nurse. Before I even got Grady latched on she inspected my nipples and told me, "oh honey your nipples look bad." Thank you, they feel even worse. She looked at the girl she was helping nurse right before me and told her how much better her nipples looked than mine. That certainly made me feel better. ;) I then latched Grady on and she quickly pointed out that he wasn't nursing well. Apparently he is a chomper. Rather than drawing the milk out, he is chomping it out which is obliterating my nipples and more than likely causing bad transfer of milk. We were both falling victim to his bad nursing. Before we went home she suggested I look into getting on some medicine. She wasn't sure if it was thrush or a bacteria infection, but my cracked nipples weren't healing and we were trying to rule things out in order to help me get better. She also recommended taking him off the breast for a few days in an effort to help them heal. My nips had to get better or this kid was going to be off the breast for good.

That was about when it all came crumbling in on me. I spent the next three days emotionally spent. Poor Zeb put up with a lot. I spent almost every waking moment reading more online literature about breastfeeding, yeast, bacteria, and sore nipples than I ever cared to. I was completely frustrated that this wasn't going better and I was hopeless in terms of the end result. Zeb kept trying to encourage me that pumping and feeding from the bottle wasn't so bad and to just relax. However, I felt like a complete failure if I couldn't feed him directly from the breast. It was messy. By about mid-day Tuesday I had gone from pumping a solid 3 ounces per session to a measly 1 ounce if I was lucky. The stress and tension I was feeling was coming through and my milk was deteriorating because of it. Imagine the added stress that now I wouldn't pump enough to even feed him from the bottle. Oh dear. I went to bed that night with an incredibly bad headache and so much pain in my upper back/neck from all of the tension. Wednesday was my melt down and I finally decided I either needed to figure it out or let it go, but I couldn't continue stressing everyone in the house out over my boobs. Come on Sasha, get it together. Wednesday was also the day, Grady started to show signs of Thrush. Great. At least now I know why it's hurting so bad and can work on remedies to make it better. Which by the way, I don't recommend any doctor prescribed methods. There are great natural remedies that work a lot better so if you ever find yourself dealing with the evil Yeast overgrowth give me a shout!

So here we are exactly 2 weeks later. Grady has been on the bottle and I have established a wonderful relationship with my pump. Everyone in the house is happy. It hasn't happened since, but that Thursday that I decided to just pump and bottle feed, Grady slept from 11:30pm to 7am. I think we were all relieved from the stress I was experiencing. Yesterday marked the re-introduction of the breast. Yes I am mostly pumping, but I am also in some prideful, determined way trying to overcome the obstacles I have experienced with nursing. Maybe I just want to be able to say I did it successfully or maybe it has to do with the cult people out there. Whatever it is, even though I have complete peace about pumping and bottle feeding, I am still very much in desire of a successful nursing relationship. So I am not giving up.

Throughout all of this I have learned a whole heck of a lot about breastfeeding! I have a wealth of knowledge to pass on to anyone who may need it and I am finding ways to be successful without the use of nipple shields or lanolin. Did you know Coconut Oil is actually a much better option?! So again, why am I so determined to make this work if I am also a firm believer that formula works great too? Truthfully, the few times nursing hasn't hurt so bad I've actually really loved it. I've loved the closeness I feel with Grady and the satisfaction in his face while he is on the breast. I've loved how it has required me to slow down and enjoy the little person he is and won't be for long. I want it to work because I think I might actually like it. I also think it is the way God intended it to be. He gave us the gift of nourishment for our little ones and I want to use it. It is also a great savings. Formula is expensive!

All of this to say that breastfeeding has been hard. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. If you wanna know the truth, I am a quitter. I tend to quit when things get hard and so this has really challenged that flaw of mine. But I am also excited to say that I am completely at peace with however it ends up. I read a book over the last couple days called Exclusively Pumping Breastmilk. It is a great resource for exclusive pumpers, which I might well be on my way to becoming. I go back to work next week and Grady will be mostly bottle fed anyway, so the opportunity to nurse exclusively isn't really there. I am also OK with formula if it comes to that. Truth be told I hate "breast is best" because I think "what works is best". I think the bonding my husband gets through bottle feeding is best. I think a less stressed house is best. I think not trying to do something because it's what everyone else does is best. I think whatever way works that feeds your little one and keeps everyone happy is the best. And no one should make you feel bad about it.

Nurse on friends! or pump on! or bottle on! Just feed and love on! :)

A Birth Story Filled With All The Unexpected Including An Angel

As I type, Grady Cole Austin, is snuggled up on my chest fighting his afternoon nap. I never thought on March 8th as I was typing my last post about being 37 weeks pregnant and sharing nursery pictures that I would be holding this sweet guy 4 days later. It has been the most unpredictable and challenging 5 weeks of my life, but I wouldn't trade any of it for the wiggling worm that rests on me now.

For about 4 weeks leading up to the birth of Grady  I spent my evenings reading birth stories, talking to friends about their experiences during labor, and trying to mentally prepare myself for what would become my own story. Little did I know that no amount of stories from others would prepare me for what was to come.

I woke up early Wednesday morning with contractions. This was strange for a few reasons:
1. I had been to the doctor the day before. He checked my cervix and flat out told me I would be pregnant still next week because my cervix was nowhere near ready to deliver.
2. I had not had any sort of braxton hicks or contractions my entire pregnancy.
3. It was way to soon for me to really be going into labor.

However, I laid there for about 30 minutes grunting through each one thinking what if this is really it. I didn't want to wake Zeb and I surely didn't want to go to the hospital with a false alarm so I was just gonna play it cool. Like they told me drink lots of water, take a warm bath, walk around, they should go away. That would be my plan. Suddenly I felt some pressure in my lower area and jumped up to go to the bathroom. It was that moment that I had my first gush. And then another. And then another. I sat there for a good 15 minutes trying to convince myself this wasn't what I thought it was. I was not going into labor. No need to freak out. Finally, I came to terms with reality that it was what I thought it was and proceeded to protect myself long enough to wake Zeb up and inform him of what the day would hold. It would not be the chiropractor appt and work like he originally thought.

I woke Zeb and told him that I thought we were having a baby today. Half asleep, you could hear the sarcasm in his voice, oh really? Yes. My water broke. Well that woke him up! We discussed what should happen next. I told him I wanted to make myself presentable and then we could head to the hospital. I had been timing my contractions and they weren't to close together nor were they very strong so I felt OK about delaying the trip. Within about 30 minutes we were on our way to the hospital.

Once we arrived and got settled in our room it was time for the nurse to check my cervix and confirm that my water broke. I told her I knew I hadn't just been peeing myself for the last little bit, but she said they still needed to confirm in order to officially admit us. Well she had a very hard time reaching my cervix and therefore, was unable to confirm my water had broken. After about an hour and a lab test the confirmation was received. My water had broken and labor would take place that day. My doctor arrived within about 15 minutes and told me that I needed to figure out when I wanted my epidural. He also explained that if I got the epidural soon I needed to be committed to getting the kid out of me which meant if my body was not progressing quick enough I would need to consider taking some pitocin. As he walked out I immediately looked over at Zeb and tears started to well up in my eyes. I was so incredibly scared of everything that was going to be required of me in order to get this little guy out. Zeb reassured me that everything would be fine and not to get so worked up.

Since I had no idea what the ideal time was, I decided to go ahead and get the epidural put in. I also wanted the nurse to check me again and she wouldn't do that until I was numbed up since it was so painful for her to check me before. The epidural was by far the scariest part. I think it was more the unknown, but I was terrified. With the exception of my blood pressure plummeting as they were doing the procedure, it turned out to be just fine. I can't say I would ever want to do it again, but I would be OK if I had to. Fast forward to epidural in and body numb. Nurse starts to check me. Find out I am a good 4, almost 5 dilated, but she was concerned. In fact, "what is that?", were the words she uttered with her still inside me. Oh no. What was it? She said she was going to need to call my Dr. to do an ultrasound. She wasn't feeling a head anywhere near my cervix. All she felt was maybe a hand or foot. My Dr. showed up minutes later and it was confirmed. Grady was breach. Now all my fears of labor were gone because I would be going in for a C-section immediately. They were concerned about waiting too long since my body was progressing pretty fast on its own. Within about 45 minutes I was prepped for surgery and Grady was born!

Welcome Grady!! Born 11:26 AM. 6 pounds 14 ounces and 20.5 inches long.

Still strapped to the operating table and getting to see him up close for the first time. I was crying mess!

First family picture!

I wish I could say that was the end, but in reality it felt like just the beginning. Grady was grunting quite a bit after being born. This was not at all alarming to me, but apparently this is a sign that things may not be going well internally. I got about 45 minutes of skin to skin time with my sweet little boy before they told me they needed to take him to the nursery to be watched. Grady was only 3 weeks early, but little boys have slow developing lungs. This means that sometimes when they come early they might need help breathing. This is where Grady was. After about 2 hours my nurse came into my postpartum room and told me Grady was getting a bath. He should be in soon! Hooray. After an hour and half passed I started to wonder what they considered soon. I finally received an update. During the bath Grady had begun to show signs of bad respiratory. They had made an executive decision to take him to NICU. 

I was far from prepared for all that had happened that day and this was the final straw. I was an emotional wreck. They reassured me it was just for precautionary measures, but it didn't make any of it easier. I had only gotten 45 minutes with him since he was born 5 hours before and now I wasn't sure when I would get to hold him again. 

They brought him to my room right before taking him to NICU. 

I had figured out that the sooner I got feeling back in my legs and forced myself out of bed, the sooner I could get down to NICU to see my baby. While I was very determined mentally to do so, physically it was going to take a little bit. I finally made my way around 10 pm. 

Getting to see him and hold him again for the first time since birth! Talk about an emotional moment. 

It was a long 6 days to say the least. The first 48 hours were the hardest because Grady didn't get better right away. He kinda got worse and then better. Can I tell you what made it the absolute best though? There was an angel I swear, sent straight from heaven, to take care of Grady. You see, I believe God's hand is in everything and I also believe that sometimes when he throws a lot at you, he also sends an angel to relieve some of it. Nurse Beth was our angel. She took care of Grady I think 4 out of the 6 days he was in NICU. She taught Zeb and I how to bathe Grady, how to not freak out when he pees all over you and reminded us to laugh. She was the absolute best person to have around during this time. She was our nurse the day we discharged too and when she walked us down to hand Grady off. I gave her the biggest hug and held back tears. Thank you Beth.

So that was our story. It was completely unlike anything I dreamed of going into that day. I'm drawn to tears a lot when I look back on the pictures. The last 5 weeks have been both challenging and fun. We have laughed a lot because of the new adventure we are on. I've cried, only a little, ;) thanks to hormones re-balancing and breastfeeding. Oh breastfeeding...it deserves a post of it's own! But mostly I have just stared and been so incredibly thankful for the sweet gift that Grady is. I can hardly believe he is mine and yet I thank God for him every day. 

We were extremely blessed to have our families here to help in those early weeks and then friends after they left to continue providing gifts and meals. Our hearts are full. 

37 Weeks and Nursery Pictures!

I can hardly believe we are so close to this little guy joining our world. We have pretty much completed the nursery so I thought I would shared some pictures. I am in LOVE with it.

This wall includes some of my favorite Nursery items. My dad hand drew and painted the panels. They were to look like the $300 set you can buy at Pottery Barn. His are better. The crib was a brown one we bought off Craigslist. Zeb re-painted it for me. I wanted grey furniture so bad. Finally, the airplane quilt handmade by Zeb's Aunt! So much love on that wall.

An upclose of the center panels so you can see Pistol Pete! Go Pokes!

Some upclose of the bedding

More handmade pieces! Zeb's mom made the crib sheet, pillow cover, and bumper pad!!

I bought this little pilot teddy bear. The perfect addition to the crib. 

Just your standard closet. :) Zeb added the shelves for me, which I think helped with organization a lot!

A couple more airplane touches, also purchased from the pilot shop. Airplane bookends, a collector's Cessna on a runway and a little cross to remind us how blessed we are with this guy!

 37 Weeks

This week, baby is the size of a: Watermelon

Due date: March 27th

How far along: 37 weeks 2 days

Next appointment: March 11th 

Gender: It's a BOY!!

Total weight gain/loss: Right around 38. 

Stretch marks: just a few on my hips, but so far none on my stomach!! So excited about that and hoping the stretching isn't hiding them. 

Swelling: About the same as before. Warmer days I swell more than colder days. 

Maternity clothes: Still just making things work.  

Belly button: completely smashed.  

Sleep: I wake up nightly now. I am either peeing, adjusting my body, or breathing through my back cramps.  

Food cravings/aversions: lots of sweets, chocolate milk, and blueberry muffins.   

Movement: he moves ALL the time. and I love it. and it feels like he is gonna break my pelvic bone. 

Wedding ring: Still on! I never would have thought that I would have gotten to wear it my entire pregnancy!

What I miss: Sleeping through the night. I know...I know...get used to it! 

What I'm loving: how much he moves. He has been moving so much these last two weeks. It's such a fun time. I also love that strangers ask when I am due and I tell them any time now or 2 weeks and they can't believe it. They tell me I don't even look close to delivering. So flattering. ;)      

What I'm looking forward to: him being here...duh!

Best moment this week: Date night with Zeb! We talked about Grady and life and just laughed a lot.    

Milestones: Finding out that I am dilated 2 CM and 50% effaced at the Dr.!! I really wasn't expecting that since just the week before he said my cervix wasn't even low enough to reach. He is progressing which I really hope means I won't be late!