Exploring My Backyard

Tonight, just before sunset, I went about 200 yards west and south of my house and took these pictures. Enjoy.

Sometimes You Just Need to Write...Finally!

I have come to this space a dozen times twice over the past month. I would stare, read, and stare some more. I would scroll over new post. Actually click new post. I would stare. Wander to another blog, read some, and then stare some more. I promise it has happened almost daily. Craving to produce something. Thirsty for words. They were in some far off land and no matter how much I tried, nothing was coming to mind. Not a damn thing worth putting in cyber space.

Today is the first day I have actually "felt" pregnant. Since we found out we were expecting 4 years, I mean weeks ago, I have not felt much different. And while yes it has felt like light years ago, today is the day I woke up, looked in the mirror and thought, "yep, pregnant I am". Thankfully, I have had no sign of sickness, other than a cold, and very little other signs of pregnancy. I have still been able to run, while much slower these days, running is still happening and I am anxiously looking forward to my half marathon in just under a month.

I get the question, a lot, if I feel ready to be a mom. I am not sure how anyone knows if they feel ready and so it has been an awkward question to answer. I took this "10 Things That Mean You are Ready For a Baby" quiz and it was about 50/50. So I guess I am as ready as I will ever be. It has been weird to think about. I don't even know where to begin on a wish-list so I have basically avoided almost all baby stuff. Truthfully, Zeb and I haven't discussed much about it. Names? hardly Colors? nope Other baby stuff we should discuss? Nope. Much different than the first few weeks of being engaged. I mean I almost had that figured out in no time. Baby stuff...clueless.

This led me to thinking about how parenting and all that is just suppose to come natural. There isn't a whole lot of training in that department. God, I hope you created some instincts inside because this girl is terrified. I mean I can handle a dog, but I grew up with them. I got to practice for 18 years before. I didn't grow up with babies. I baby sat from time to time, but nothing major. Can you see where my panic lies?

In an effort to not panic I have resorted to just pretending that the small olive in my stomach is not going to ever actually become a small child that is my sole responsibility. It is much less scary when I think about just carrying him/her in my stomach for eternity. Safer.

Next week is our first "official" doctor's appt. where we get to hear the heart beat and make sure everything is looking good so far. Oh and to confirm that twins are not on the way. Oh Lordy, could you imagine? In the meantime I am sticking to books, running, and fall baking to keep my mind off how truly excited I am to meet our angel in May. Scared, but very excited.

Happy Monday, Fall, and Columbus Day!

A Modge Podge of Thoughts

Here is what I love about the blogging world: it makes you realize the very different and very same people who exist in this world. I can tell you right now, there are at least 3 women who I have found during my blog exploring that I wish were in my 'real life' circle rather than my blogging circle. They have changed me. And yet they don't even know I exist.

If I can be honest, and hell this is my blog so I should be able to, I cried very raw tears tonight. It started here. I know I have referred to her blog more than once in the past, but she brings it out of me. She has brought me to tears more times than any other person I have ever read. In a good way though. Her heart is so real and compassionate. Her smile is captivating. It makes me you say, at least me say, I wanna be around her, I wanna know her, and be changed by her friendship.

I was then introduced to this girl. Man, can I relate. And not in the addict kind of way, but in the "I understand your brokenness that seems forever haunting and the imperfect person who needs Jesus to even feel worthy of your story" kind of way. She brought the tears too. Much like myself, life must be felt. It is intense and passionate. Sometimes it feels like too much for others, but much like her, those things have made me able to experience life in both ways. Both extremes. Intense happiness and intense sadness.

When I was in college I wanted nothing more than for my middle sister to join me in this new found land that I loved so much. I wanted her to come to Flagstaff and to experience life with me. However, when she got there it was different. My selfish actions made her experience less than glamorous. When I should have been a big sister who embraced her, I was a big sister who pushed her out of the nest. I made it clear that she needed a life of her own and well, she didn't take long before she followed the cues. Not my proudest moment.

I have been in this nostalgic state more recently. I find myself frequently reflecting on the past. There are things I have done well and things I have done not so well. Refer to the above paragraph. I have learned that intentions mean nothing. Good intentions or bad intentions, it is your actions that matter. It is your actions that leave a watermark. Intending to do good and acting to do good are very, very different roads. I had every intention of making that phone call or forgiving that person or completing that letter. I guess my intention wasn't good enough and unfortunately all that was left was that awful stain.

Move beyond your intentions. Act on this very short life.

"Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions."-1 John 3:18

Finding the Beauty in You

I was browsing this girls blog when I realized there is beauty in each person. Wow. It took me 25 years to realize that each person has a beauty about them. Honestly though. I was viewing the pictures of her home and there were thoughts going through my head like this:

Those pictures are hers and that is beautiful.
Those kids are hers and they are beautiful.
That furniture started with her parents and that is beautiful.

The entire scenery was just her and her family. As I sit in my living room and look around. I feel happy with the things that make this place mine. It is the crosses on the wall. It is the color yellow and the roosters. It is the two dogs that lounge on the floor. It is the husband who I adore. It is the wine I hold in my hand. It is the unique things that make this place mine. It is the beauty in me.

And you.

Find it.

Flaunt it.

Have a great week friends! Be Blessed!

When a Club Becomes More

When we first moved to Lubbock 3 months ago I was optimistic. I thought we would move in, immediately find a church home, make some friends, love our jobs, and life would be like every picture perfect movie that concludes with happy endings. When the first month went by and things weren't exactly lining up the way I had pictured, I decided to take action. Sasha meet the Run Club.

I signed up for the run club for two reasons. I really needed to get my runs done in the morning, but don't like/Zeb wouldn't allow me to run in the morning solo. Love him for caring about my safety. I also signed up in hopes of creating more of a social base. Success! On both ends of the spectrum.

This run club started as something I wasn't sure about. I was positive I would be the slowest runner and 5 am mornings sounded painful. I am a morning person, but it is getting me to go to bed at night that makes it difficult. However, it has become the thing I look forward to most in my week.

Picture this, a group of people in their mid 20's (I think I am the youngest) all the way up to about their mid 50's meeting you every Monday and Wednesday at 5 AM and Saturdays at 7:30 AM. They are encouraging, cheering you on as they pass you (which happens to me a lot!), setting and achieving goals with you, and pushing themselves to new levels. They talk and laugh with you during stretching and check in to make sure you will be there the next day. When you miss a day they ask where you were. A running coach that is a new Mom, ran until she was 8 months pregnant, and was an Olympian. She asks how your feeling after your runs and provides the best guidance she can when your body is acting up. She provides weekly emails with workouts to keep your running body in the best health. Can you picture this?

I look forward to this every single week. It is more than people to run with so I am not afraid in the morning and more than a new social base. It is a support network with people who have similar goals. It is feeling like you are part of something bigger. It is realizing that your running fears are theirs too. It is a smile before the sun comes up and a pat on your sweaty back at the end of a long run. It is my run club.

When I started training in January for a half marathon, I always wondered if I would get to a place where it didn't feel like so much work. Now, I am just under 3 months out from my race in Phoenix and if I don't do the Panhandle 1/2 marathon here in Lubbock next month then it will be my first race and it no longer feels like work. It feels like my escape. I am so looking forward to hitting that goal and pushing through to others. And to think, this girl used to hate running.