I wasn't sure if I would write about this, but I have felt an urge to get words down today about it. When life happens in a way you least expect and it hurts as bad as this does I don't know what the proper response is. How do you mourn? And how do you tell people without it being awkward? No one knows what to say and I don't expect anything profound. But I appreciate the heart, prayers, and love that is offered.
Monday was a sad day. We found out that we had lost the baby. It's heart had stopped beating a couple weeks ago. I knew it. I was more scared of the doctor confirming it than anything else. All the energy I had suddenly gained. The lack of pregnancy symptoms. I knew something was not right. But the second the doctor said it...it became real. A reality I was most afraid of.
Since Monday I have thought a lot about why and how and what I could have done differently. The doctor was clear to make sure I understood it wasn't my fault. I have found comfort in words I needed to both hear and read from friends. Zeb has been INCREDIBLE in terms of support along with both sides of our family. It's the silence and the moments alone that hurt me. When the enemy creeps in and whispers lies. When I am fighting that internal battle of believing God's promises over Satan's lies. And it is a battle, even when I know that my God is good and his promises are real and above all else I have to trust in Him who works all things out for the good of those who love him.
So today I am doing what I can to find the joy. I am clinging to all I have to know that it will get better. That there will come a day when it doesn't hurt so bad. We can overcome this and we will with time. If there is 1 good thing that I can come away with, it is that I have never felt closer to Zeb than now. This week is by far the hardest week we have experienced to date and it has brought us the closest. I am thankful for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment