Monday, September 3, 2012

A Modge Podge of Thoughts

Here is what I love about the blogging world: it makes you realize the very different and very same people who exist in this world. I can tell you right now, there are at least 3 women who I have found during my blog exploring that I wish were in my 'real life' circle rather than my blogging circle. They have changed me. And yet they don't even know I exist.

If I can be honest, and hell this is my blog so I should be able to, I cried very raw tears tonight. It started here. I know I have referred to her blog more than once in the past, but she brings it out of me. She has brought me to tears more times than any other person I have ever read. In a good way though. Her heart is so real and compassionate. Her smile is captivating. It makes me you say, at least me say, I wanna be around her, I wanna know her, and be changed by her friendship.

I was then introduced to this girl. Man, can I relate. And not in the addict kind of way, but in the "I understand your brokenness that seems forever haunting and the imperfect person who needs Jesus to even feel worthy of your story" kind of way. She brought the tears too. Much like myself, life must be felt. It is intense and passionate. Sometimes it feels like too much for others, but much like her, those things have made me able to experience life in both ways. Both extremes. Intense happiness and intense sadness.

When I was in college I wanted nothing more than for my middle sister to join me in this new found land that I loved so much. I wanted her to come to Flagstaff and to experience life with me. However, when she got there it was different. My selfish actions made her experience less than glamorous. When I should have been a big sister who embraced her, I was a big sister who pushed her out of the nest. I made it clear that she needed a life of her own and well, she didn't take long before she followed the cues. Not my proudest moment.

I have been in this nostalgic state more recently. I find myself frequently reflecting on the past. There are things I have done well and things I have done not so well. Refer to the above paragraph. I have learned that intentions mean nothing. Good intentions or bad intentions, it is your actions that matter. It is your actions that leave a watermark. Intending to do good and acting to do good are very, very different roads. I had every intention of making that phone call or forgiving that person or completing that letter. I guess my intention wasn't good enough and unfortunately all that was left was that awful stain.

Move beyond your intentions. Act on this very short life.

"Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions."-1 John 3:18